she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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