i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
