we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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