I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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