don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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