Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
