I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have aggressive nipples.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
