he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
