Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
