Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
