Porn is love you can see.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
