You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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