I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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