Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
