I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
