The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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