i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
