a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
