Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
