then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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