do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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