Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
