Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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