So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
