I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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