she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize