I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
