i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
