I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
