Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
