Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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