I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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