sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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