wakey wakey hands off snakey
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
