I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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