i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
