i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
