Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
