FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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