I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
