she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
