I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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