Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
