someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
