woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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