I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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