that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
