She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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