did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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