I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
