I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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