Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
