someone threw a dead crab at me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
