I just threw up on my dentist
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
