Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
