You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
