you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize