He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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