No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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