I could have mohawked her pubes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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