dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
