Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
