We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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