can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
