I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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