Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
