hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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