i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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