I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
