I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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