3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
