So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
