Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
