woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
